Cats in the Cradle

As you know, our friend flailer is a father who wants to reconcile and reconnect with his son. He elaborated to me in private about his son and I got a good enough picture to understand the situation and I think many MGTOWs here are in the same boat.

What struck me most is how similar flailer’s situation is with my father and his children and then it struck me that this is probably what many fathers faced with their children too i.e. the sons (and daughters but let’s focus on the sons) hate the father for whatever reason regardless of whether it’s true or false. 

I realized then that this is happening in Asia too – it’s a worldwide epidemic - but like many things, it is simply ignored. And when I looked at how my family turned out and compare it with other families whose children grew up to be addicts, criminals and degenerates, it got me thinking on why my family turned out alright considering. 

To start with, let’s look at some statistics, taken from The Fatherless Generation

• 63% of youth suicides are from fatherless homes (US Dept. Of Health/Census) – 5 times the average.
• 90% of all homeless and runaway children are from fatherless homes – 32 times the average.
• 85% of all children who show behavior disorders come from fatherless homes – 20 times the average. (Center for Disease Control)
• 80% of rapists with anger problems come from fatherless homes –14 times the average. (Justice & Behavior, Vol 14, p. 403-26)
• 71% of all high school dropouts come from fatherless homes – 9 times the average. (National Principals Association Report)
• Father Factor in Drug and Alcohol Abuse - Researchers at Columbia University found that children living in two-parent household with a poor relationship with their father are 68% more likely to smoke, drink, or use drugs compared to all teens in two-parent households. Teens in single mother households are at a 30% higher risk than those in two-parent households.

Looking at the statistics we can make a safe assumption that fathers play a crucial role in a child’s development and that having a good relationship with your father actually helps you grow into a (more or less) upstanding individual. 

These statistics are revealing and when I look at them I can see a reflection of this in my father’s family as well as my society in general. Now, I can’t in good conscience give advice on something that I don’t have any experience in i.e. I don’t have my own children. 

But, what I want to do is share my experience with my father. I mean I look back in my life and I turned out okay considering I had friends who became addicts, criminals and developed personality disorders. 

Papa Don’t Preach

I don’t want to divulge too much but I think it’s important that I give you a background of my family a bit more. My mom suffers from Narcissistic Abuse from my crazy and exploitative grandmother and true to tropes my mom seeks out relationships that mirror this pattern. 

This is where my father comes in. He does have a narcissistic streak i.e. he is arrogant and he has really bad boundaries issue. But he’s not narcissistic without good reason; he’s really a successful guy and achieved much hence his arrogance was not misplaced. 

He is an asshole but he’s not an asshole for no reason. 

It’s important that I point out that this doesn’t mean that my mom or dad has a Narcissistic Personality Disorder or any of the DSM cluster B personality disorders. No, it’s all a matter of degree and my parents though very troubled are not in the same category of those who do suffer from Personality Disorders. 

Back to the point, why is this important? Well, you have a narcissistically abused mother in a lifetime relationship with a narcissistic man; just imagine what their life is like and how that affected their children. I mean seriously, this is some fucked up shit and I am amazed that most of my siblings came off relatively unscathed (most). 

This however, is no excuse for any of theirs or their children’s behavior.

Remember, as men we own up to our own shit and this is how we differentiate ourselves from women who constantly blame others for their own faults. We do not ever want to be like this. Thankfully both my parents – after decades – finally own up to their own shit and that’s why they’re getting along now. 

A Boy Named Sue

Right, so my siblings and I grew up listening to my mom complain and bad-mouthing my dad; this is really normal and it happens in every household. Not that she was right (because half of what she claims is just dead wrong) but the way she said it made my dad out to be an Evil Man. 

Evil as in Criminally Evil and that is just not the case. 

My dad might be an asshole but he wasn’t evil. However, because my dad was constantly being an asshole to me and my siblings, along with my mother’s constant bad-mouthing, that picture of dad being an Evil Man whether true of false was made real. 

Repeat something often enough and people will start believing in it. 

This didn’t happen in a day; I remember growing up till I was 10, loving my father and always happy seeing him around. It was only during my teen years that all that brainwashing – unintentional maybe but effectively it was brainwashing – really took effect and it got to me and all of my siblings. 

We hated our dad and our hatred was disproportional to the actual truth. I became Herbivore because of that initially even though at the same time I knew that my grandma, my mom and older sister were crazy. I didn’t want to be my dad but I also didn’t want to be my mom; I really had a crisis when I was a teen.

This kind of crisis can literally and figuratively make someone go insane and hence, you get the statistics above; teen suicide, drug and alcohol abuse, behavior disorders, school dropouts and crime but not one person in my family – not one of us – grew up having those problems (ok, behavior disorders notwithstanding). 

The question is why and how my siblings and I escaped being part of the statistic when many of our friends and extended families went down that path. 

I always thought that my siblings and I were simply smart enough and knew better but I’m just being full of myself and I knew that. I saw what my father did; I recognized it and subconsciously I appreciated him for it even though my attitude towards him suggested otherwise at the time.

The truth is, even though my father went through a rough decade with his children - we hated him, we didn’t talk him, we avoided him, we openly disrespected him, him and his wife were technically separated – despite all that, he was always there. 

He was always there, for us, for his family. He never abandoned us. 

Unknowingly, this had a significant psychological impact on his children, me included. We were brainwashed for so long into thinking that this was an Evil Man but despite all of that and him indeed being an asshole, he was still there and he helped us when we needed it. 

And when I spent time with him I saw him being loved by his friends and extended family. I know one of his friends – who my father helped and then became a successful heart surgeon – always attended to the family and never charge a dime for consultation. That is how much my father was loved. 

So as I grew older, I saw my father and I thought “Okay, he is an asshole but he’s not really a bad guy; in fact he’s a good guy in some cases.” 

I did have disagreements with my dad e.g. my father is a traditionalist, I’m not; he’s Liverpool FC, I’m Manchester United FC (I can hear the collective jeer and taunts from BPL fans), he’s a white knight and I never was; despite all of this, when I needed him he was always there. He was on my side.

And this is in my humble opinion, more than anything, is what really made the difference; my father being there for his children and being on our side when we needed him 

Note that it took us a decade to come around acknowledging that he wasn’t what we pictured him to be but no one was there to tell us we were wrong about our dad; we had to learn and realize this all by ourselves.

I may be arrogant in saying this but I was the first one to tell the others that, “Hey, you know what, dad isn’t so bad.” And my siblings (minus my older sister), would be, “Wow, you’re a dumbass. Why do say so?”

Which I replied, “Well, he is an asshole but he’s paying your shit right? When you got into trouble with so and so, he bailed you out, yes?” And I didn’t realize it, but I was planting a seed in their heads and mine.

That seed took time to grow, even in me but it grew and as the years went by, I made the first real reconciliation with dad. I apologized to him for being an asshole son and we really connected after that.

The rest weren’t so forward but they’ve mellowed in their anger and hatred and eventually made up with my dad. And credit to him, my dad realized that he was an asshole and changed; he’s still a little bit of an asshole but not by much; hey, old habits die hard.

Just the Two of Us

I had a conversation with my dad about this and he gave me a good piece of advice which I can personally vouch for; don’t try too hard.

I know this is very difficult for a lot of people but if you try too hard, you’re making the other person – the person you care about – feel smothered especially when he has a negative image of you. You only come out seemingly disingenuous.

You’re not starting from 0 working to +10, you’re starting from -10 working your way to 0 and that’s a monumental difference. I stated before that you can’t force Red Pill on another person and this is doubly true with the person you love.

It’s a process; it takes time; years perhaps but you got to realize that you’re working against a decade’s worth of brainwashing.

I really don’t know if my situation is applicable in the western world because there are cultural differences between the West and the East. But I think the core of it is the same; I like to think that, that bond a father has with his children and the children’s connection with their father is almost universal.

I do know of cases where sons grew up hating their father till death. Again, I simply don’t know enough of the details to comment. I only know the circumstances of my family and how we became the way we are, according to the culture and the era that we lived in.

I haven’t quite nailed it yet but I hope at the very least, people who read this will see things that I don’t and they can then share their experiences and then we men can learn how to reach out to our children especially during this age of the fatherless generation.